Heartbreak Anniversary

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This was my state of mind after leaving the hospital. It’s better but sometimes I have those moments.

I should be better at life. I keep making mental check marks as to where I’m at in adulthood. But lately everything has come crashing down like a game of unstable Jenga. Until yesterday I prided myself on being able to compartmentalize. Now the lines blur between work and health. I know I’m supposed to let go and let God but it’s just not that simple. Not for a control freak. It’s hard to let go when I feel guilty half the time. So many compounded feelings about spending 6 to 8 weeks in recovery. I hate doctors. I know they are a godsend but I hate being pushed, poked, prodded. I hate not having time. I hate these emotional tailspins that show cracks in my facade. I am not supposed to feel. I’m supposed to remain composed. But mostly I just feel tired. I feel tired and I feel like I have failed and I feel guilty for that because it makes me feel entitled. I’m not entitled to anything and I should be happy for small blessings. So queue the guilt. Coz I’m hurting (stressing?) and don’t know how to control it.

 

 

 

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